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journalling my feelings
Apr. 9th, 2022 10:40 pmI know there's non-tactile options, but it just feels...let's call it ethically shitty to just do things I wouldn't normally do with people I wouldn't normally do them with just because I've been told to.
~
It's probably weird to wish my family was here. Not that I want to think about any of them having sex, but I wouldn't feel so alone. So fucking isolated. I've always known I had a lot to be grateful for, having this big family I actually like most of the time. Even when I was hiding from them, even when they were all too much for me, they learned how to come quietly and one at a time. I was the difficult one, I was the black sheep, and they never fucking did anything but love me.
No one here loves me. And that sounds so fucking whiny, so shitty, but...humans aren't supposed to function without love. We're not made for it. And I've never had to. But now I have to, and I don't know how to cope.
It's fucked up to hope that Zeke or Finn is in the next new group. Or Kai. I'd even take Ez or Mom or Dad. Shit.
[A drawing in black and red pen of an elaborate crowd scene populated by strange and surrealist figures of various sizes and shapes, monsters. One tiny human figure stands in a corner, away from the crowd, casting a long shadow.]
[Added later, with a fine point marker, is another figure next to the first. This one is shorter than the first and holds a guitar with one hand, the bottom resting on the ground, a scarf around her head, her other hand holding the hand of the first figure.]
[Later, it's further altered by the second figure being whited out, but her shadow remains.]
~
The one I worship only wants me to be thoughtful and cautious about sex, according to my own conscience. I don't have to be married or in a relationship, I just have to respect them and myself and be clear about intentions. If I'm very confident I can sleep with a different person every night and never hurt anyone's feelings, including my own...as unlikely as that is.
[Various doodles of a star of David.]
~
[The word "fuck" is drawn to fill the entire page, in extremely elaborate and detailed letters.]
~
[A clock is drawn, an elaborate frame around it and ornate hands on it -- more of an exercise in precisely matched curves than anything else. The time is a few minutes to midnight.]
tick
tick
tick
Somber Lust Undoes Time
Super Limber Undies Train
Has no one in this fucking world heard of honey over vinegar?
~
It's probably weird to wish my family was here. Not that I want to think about any of them having sex, but I wouldn't feel so alone. So fucking isolated. I've always known I had a lot to be grateful for, having this big family I actually like most of the time. Even when I was hiding from them, even when they were all too much for me, they learned how to come quietly and one at a time. I was the difficult one, I was the black sheep, and they never fucking did anything but love me.
No one here loves me. And that sounds so fucking whiny, so shitty, but...humans aren't supposed to function without love. We're not made for it. And I've never had to. But now I have to, and I don't know how to cope.
It's fucked up to hope that Zeke or Finn is in the next new group. Or Kai. I'd even take Ez or Mom or Dad. Shit.
[A drawing in black and red pen of an elaborate crowd scene populated by strange and surrealist figures of various sizes and shapes, monsters. One tiny human figure stands in a corner, away from the crowd, casting a long shadow.]
[Added later, with a fine point marker, is another figure next to the first. This one is shorter than the first and holds a guitar with one hand, the bottom resting on the ground, a scarf around her head, her other hand holding the hand of the first figure.]
[Later, it's further altered by the second figure being whited out, but her shadow remains.]
~
The one I worship only wants me to be thoughtful and cautious about sex, according to my own conscience. I don't have to be married or in a relationship, I just have to respect them and myself and be clear about intentions. If I'm very confident I can sleep with a different person every night and never hurt anyone's feelings, including my own...as unlikely as that is.
[Various doodles of a star of David.]
~
[The word "fuck" is drawn to fill the entire page, in extremely elaborate and detailed letters.]
~
[A clock is drawn, an elaborate frame around it and ornate hands on it -- more of an exercise in precisely matched curves than anything else. The time is a few minutes to midnight.]
tick
tick
tick
Super Limber Undies Train
Has no one in this fucking world heard of honey over vinegar?
